Bastet's Journal

Can your heart be broken if it's already in pieces?

2006-11-20T18:39:09Z

You can love someone more than life itself and sometimes they won't even know. How do I know this? Because I've experienced it, recently in fact. Being so in love your world revolves around them even when you're not with them. Thinking about them all the time. Knowing they love you back. That you'll be together forever, married, growing old, having those stupid old people arguments. Bliss

But you see, I have this problem. I don't express my feelings well. Maybe it's because I grew up in a broken family, my parents got divorced when I was about 3 and so I never saw them being all lovey with each other. Or maybe because I grew up with boys. I have no siblings but all the neighbors had little boys I went to play with. I finally got my first REAL female friend when i was in about the 5th or 6th grade I think. So I grew up hurting myself and not crying about it, (at least not for very long). Then again maybe it's because my first real relationship was abusive. Not physically so, but mentally and emotionally. It took it's toll, very evidently I'm not the same person I was back then. Some for the better, some for the worst. But it's made me less trusting and because due to that relationship I lost all my friends, I'm very wary about leaving my friends out of my relationship loop. I love spending time with my significant other but I can't leave my friends out of my life. I need to be able to spend time with them on a regular basis. Plus I have a fairly needy best friend who I love to death and would do anything for, including ditch a boyfriend to spend time with her when she needs me.

Is that bad of me? I've known her since I was 13, we've been through ALOT together and apart. We both rely on each other, when I need her she's there for me, when she needs me I try to be there for her. Everyone needs someone like that, I refuse to jeopardize that again. I just got her back after a few years of never even talking to each other. I know what it is like to be completely alone. I don't want to lose her friendship again. But I feel that in making that decision I also pushed away my true love. I guess I just want BOTH of them to be there always.

The man I wanted to marry. He's also very needy, and very giving. He gave me everything a woman could ask for, honesty, devotion, he spoiled me, he laughed with me, he made me want very much to spend my life with him. We're both very insecure though. I need alot of time together to feel secure and so does he. But I guess I was to a point where I felt I could truly trust him and so I felt comfortable spending time away from him with my friends and family. I wouldn't worry that he was doing things with other women or things I would approve of. I trusted him, but I don't think I ever really got that across to him either. I made a big deal that one of his roommates was a girl. I didn't know her though, now that I do, it's cool. Though I never let him know that either.

I was actually ready to move in with him. Scared as I was about my financial situation, I actually wasn't scared about whether or not our relationship would work. I just felt in my heart that it would, that we would figure everything out. From there we'd get the dog we'd been talking about. A little doberman pinscher, who'd protect me at night while he went to work. He'd get home in the mornings before I got up and snuggle in bed with me til I had to get up for work. We'd get to spend our weeknights together. And anytime during the weekend that he wasn't working or sleeping we'd spend together. I'd see my best friend one day during the weekend, which is usually what I spend with her now. I guess that was all very much just in my imagination.

I feel like fighting for it to work would just make us both more unhappy. I'd love to argue that we should try again, that we can work things out. But honestly I get this feeling that it'd all end up the same. I WANT to be with him. I love him as I have never loved anyone else. I'll never love anyone else like this again. I would change for him, but I don't feel I could change myself that quickly without feeling I've betrayed myself. Gradual change is good, changing because it will make someone else happy just ends badly. I learned that a long time ago too.

We broke up once before over some stupid things. And there was a guy involved, but for me that's been long over. For him it still seems fresh in his mind. He brings it up every time we fight. While it's true that time effected me greatly and not in a good way. It is over, and it's not the cause of all the things happening. Nothing is ever so simple.

Life is too short, I don't want to make people wait around for me. I want them to be happy, even if it's without me in their lives. That goes for everyone. I know no matter how much I wish it, I can never make everyone happy. I did try that a long time ago too, making everyone else happy. But in doing so I forgot about making myself happy. I was so happy with him. I wish him all the most wonderful things in the world. I hope that he finds the perfect woman, who can give him everything he needs. I'm not angry with him, I'm not angry with myself. I wish we had met a few years down the line, when I was more ready.

I hope he can understand how difficult this is for me. I will always love him, always wish things could have worked. I want them to work, I would be willing to try. But I can't be the only one willing to give. He's given so much already though, I feel I shouldn't even ask that of him. I hate making him angry or upset. I guess that's why I couldn't even say these things to him. Well that and I can't ever think this clearly when I'm speaking. I think maybe in a few days our thoughts will be clearer and if we're going to work this out it will be then. I feel like right now things are too raw. It's like tumbling down a dark hole. You're scared, you're angry, you're depressed... i'll give it a few days and we'll see where it goes. I'm not giving up... I know this all sounded like I was... but until I know for sure... I'm not. I just need us both to be clear headed in this.

Super Happy Awesome Rant

2006-08-01T15:25:14Z

So I'm driving home from work today and for once I decide to listen to the radio. I turn off my Dir En Grey - Withering to Death CD and start listening to our (sorta) local rock station. I'm almost home and I'm about to change the channel cause they're just playing commercials except these jerks keep driving stupid so I don't have the chance cause I actually have to watch the road or get hit.

They start advertising concerts that are going to be coming to town this month (August). Blah de blah... nothing i really give a crap about. Then "Family Values Tour. Featuring Korn, Deftones, Stone Sour," some band I can't remember, and what sounds like Dir en Grey. I swear to god I almost ran my car into a ditch cause I was staring at my stereo like it had just grown arms and tried to punch me or something.

I pulled into my driveway like a bat out of hell. Ran past my mother who in turn freaked out and ran in after me. I promptly sat myself down at the computer and looked online for the Family Values Tour list of bands. INDEED DIR EN GREY IS TOURING WITH KORN AND STONE SOUR AND THE DEFTONES. I start freaking out, hopping around and my mother is just standing there going "What!? What is it?!" When I told her I thought she was going to hit me...

I'm so HAPPY! I already bought my tickets! I got my boyfriend, my dad and my best friend all to agree to go. Damn right I'm going just for DEG, I don't care who they're going to see but they best plan to stay for my band. My god, it's like some kind of miracle. You have no idea how happy I am. So happy i had to share it with people who would totally understand... or at least understand more so than the people actually going to the concert with me will XD

BTW, HI!!! I've been working my butt off at the IT Help Desk for Security Benefit. But hey, it's totally better than Kohls! ^_^ *huggles everyone* I live MUAHAHAHAHA

~Neko

Stupid People

2005-07-26T16:10:16Z

Have you ever wanted to strangle someone for being stupid? That seems to happen to me alot >_> But it's like the people I want to strangle, if they'd actually LISTEN when spoken to wouldn't have to fall into that catergory of stupid. The nurse at the dentist's office kept telling me it was normal that one of my stitches had come out "Oh, well, that's good. The stitch served it's purpose of stopping the bleeding" "It should have made it felt better"
I wanted to smack her. HARD.
I spent all weekend (Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and til 3pm Monday) in agony because the one tooth that'd be causing me pain since they took it out had a stitch come out two days after the procedure. It left the bone exposed...dry socket. But this nurse just HAD to sit and argue with me like I had no idea what I was talking about. Why can't you like transfer over the pain or something so they'll shutup?! GAH!

The worst thing I think though, was that my boyfriend came to visit this weekend. He lives 3 hours from me so I get to see him about once a month. It hurt to kiss him for gods sake. And that was just ridiculous. I was pissed off and miserable and I couldn't even show it.
He was such a sweetheart about it though. He just sat and cuddled with me and watched movies most of the weekend. I got babied, I felt so special. And everytime I apologized for not feeling good he just smiled and said it wasn't any big deal. (It was a damn big deal for me damnit... I wanted to canoodle XD)

Wisdom Teeth

2005-07-21T13:14:42Z

HOLY CRAP! My mouth hurts so bad. I can't even smile at my jrock without wanting to cry. NEVER have your wisdom teeth out... EVER... deal with them. It's way better than having them pulled. I do have these huge freakin' pain pills though. They're bright fluorescent PINK though... I could so have done with another color. My teacher at tech school is being very understanding though. I'm only going like an hour today and tomorrow I have off. YAY! Time to get on IRC and download YAOI... Mmmm... yaoi...

GAH it even hurts to drool over bishies. >_< That's so much crap

GOD YES... DROOLS

2005-07-17T22:53:36Z

You'd steal Totchi's pants. He'd like that.

Whose Pants Would You Steal?
brought to you by Quizilla

OMG... YES YES YES YES YES *Dies happy* I'd snuggle with Totchi's pants for a week... then frame them on my wall... then figure out how to get another pair >.>

Shinya Again

2005-07-17T22:13:25Z

Which Jrock Queen Are You? by Youko Triumph

I think I'm beginning to see a pattern forming >.>

Blah

2005-07-17T21:57:23Z

Found out my wisdom teeth all have to be removed. Joy v.v The only good thing I've heard is they give you some awesome pain killers. But I am so NOT looking forward to the whole chipmunk-ed-ness. Not at all. But Oh well at least I won't have to deal with them hurting anymore after this. And it's a one time thing... wisdom teeth do NOT grow back. >.> Right?!

Got my lowest test score in college. A 90...out of 100... *waits to be lynched* I actually felt stupid though, that's bad for me. I guess if I actually studied or paid attention in class I'd do better but I can't help it. You put me in front of a computer and I want to play with it, not listen to someone lecture all day T_T I'll be in Kansas if anyone wants to hire an assassin or something, I say that stuff and always piss someone off.

Heh....

2005-03-13T17:48:14Z

It would probably be a good idea to update this a little more often. I have this problem with a one track mind alot of the time. I get into reading manga and forget to watch anime. Or I watch anime and forget to do homework >_>

Speaking of which I have 100pages or so to read on Linux for my test tomorrow morning. I ought to be doing that considering my last test I kind of bombed v.v It's soooo hard reading computer books though. I've always have issues reading non-fiction. And computer books are so technical (duh) that it's even worse. But, I love computers and I love working with them and on them, so I will continue to suffer so that one day I can enjoy the job I do.

Maybe later if I get the chance I'll bitch about all the crap going on at home. Meh, or I'll just go play Drakengard and kill some more soldiers... computer animated violence is amazingly helpful when I'm pissed off.

Eh heh...

2004-06-12T03:18:59Z

I just felt like putting this up here ^_^

shinya

Doki Doki Dir en grey quizz ver 2.0
brought to you by Quizilla

ME LOVE DIR EN GREY!

Pierrot

2004-06-11T07:09:53Z

Well, I'm a big fan of J-Rock and some J-Pop, mostly Gackt in the pop catergory. Dude has a NICE voice, ADMIT IT!! lol I have all four of his albums. Too many singles that I figure are on the albums anyway. But yea... he's pretty kick ass. Not to mention that at one point he was with Malice Mizer.

Yup, I'm a Malice Mizer fan. Jealous as hell of Mana... Guys should NOT be able to look that damn good, he makes a better freakin' woman that me and most the chicks I know! That bugs the crap out of me and yet, I can't help staring at the pictures I have of him. lol Odd I know... I know! But I also like Dir En Grey, I'm actually a bigger fan of them. Kyou is a freakin' nut and a half. When I first heard them his voice irritated me. But I kept listening to more and more of their songs and lo' and behold I'm addicted. If you've never listened to them you're seriously missing out. Listen to 'Zan' if you ever wanna be creeped out. Anyway, that whole band is freaky, but their music ROCKS!

Anyway, I finally decided that Gackt, MM, and DEG weren't enough Japanese music for me. So I started downloading some songs by Nanase Aikawa. I hate most female singers by the way. Their voices drive me freakin' batty. I love deep voices... but she's good. Surprisingly good. It pissed me off that I couldn't find more of her stuff. Nobody seems to have any torrents of her albums or anything. And it's HARD to get the songs off any of the many filesharing programs out there. I've tried for 4 days and only got like 13 songs. Irritating!

Aside from her though, I decided to take some advice and download L'Arc En Ciel and Pierrot. I was seriously UNIMPRESSED with L'Arc En Ciel. Whoever the hell told me they were J-Rock was out of their fuckin' mind. They're so pop it was digusting. Sooo, they got deleted. I can't handle all the happy music constantly. A little at a time from a band is fine but constantly... that doesn't fly well.
Pierrot on the other hand... WOW. That's about all I can say about them. They're fucking KICKASS. I've been listening to them since last night. Downloading songs like crazy. Found ONE torrent with their songs. WTF?! I NEED MORE! Seriously, I love the singers voice. I haven't taken the time yet to look up what his name is. I'll get to it eventually I'm sure.
But their music is awesome. It's not rough and dark like DEG, but not peppy enough to be something I would call pop music. I'm totally digging this band. I LOVE finding new music to listen to. It makes me whole freakin' world spin a little more smoothly. I'm as into my music as I am my anime. And Japanese music just fits right there inbetween my two obsessions.

PLUS!!! I found Saiyuki manga! Mmmmmmm.... Saiyuki... Gojyo x Hakkai!!!!! Gah... I watch that show and the yaoi part of my brain goes into overdrive. I can't wait to read the manga.
Oi... and I wanna find me some Saitou x Sano doujinshi. Sweet mother of gob... that's such a sexy pairing. I think I'll go drool on my floor while I listen to Pierrot now. *bounces away*

nekoyoukai3 @ 2004-06-09T00:32:00

2004-06-09T05:33:50Z

YESSSSS! I've finally started writing again! I'm so happy, I missed writing my Gundam Wing fanfic. Especially since I only have one chapter of it left. Good time to hit a major writing slump huh?
I probably got back into it considering I've been watching a few episodes of Gundam Wing every day. That show so rocks, it's awesome even in reruns.

I must be having a stupid attack here. I've got 5 IM's on my screen, this thing as I'm trying to write and I've got an AMV playing in the background. That's overkill for multi-tasking... sooooo I'm gonna cut this short ^_^

Damn...

2004-06-08T00:49:10Z

Well... I found something neat and before I lost it I wanted to put it up. At least this damn thing is getting some use >_>

N	Nutty
E	Enchanting
K	Kinky
O	Organic
Y	Yummy
O	Overwhelming
U	Unforgettable
K	Kinky
A	Awesome
I	Industrious

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

And another one...

HAHA!

2004-06-08T00:22:50Z

Yea... got one of those little programs so I don't gotta log onto LiveJournal now to make an entry thing. I'm so freakin' bored right now. Probably the reason I've put two of these in, in what? 20 minutes?

I ought to watch some Gundam Wing or something. I got the whole set now but I've only watched 4 episodes. But lemme tell you... Gundam Wing with surround sound @_@ KICK ASS! It was awesome hearing Wufei cursing from more than one direction, lol Oh, and the explosions sounded cool too of course.
And I just figured out today that Treize is really hot. I never thought he was good looking til I watched this bath scene thing. DAMN CARTOON NETWORK FOR CUTTING IT OUT! Hong Kong versions rock. Yea... that little scene got played back a couple of times. His weird eyebrows are still kinda creepy... but I forgive him since he was 3/4 nude... *drools*

I'll give someone a cookie if they know the character in my avatar. XD Rare stuff... well, unless you go looking for yaoi stuff like I do. I'm gonna go read some fics now. Please excuse me ^_^

First entry

2004-06-08T00:03:26Z

Well, I decided to re-join the livejournal community. Had one a long time ago but I forgot the user name and password '^_^

Oh well, seems it's gotten nicer anyway. I just joined a gob of yaoi groups. ALL HAIL YAOI! I swear if I don't find more KakaIru stuff I'm going to die. I'm in love with that pairing. I can't watch Naruto anymore without thinking bout it. And every time Kakashi is late my brain is screaming "CAUSE YOU WERE SCREWING IRUKA-SENSEI!!" Sad isn't it? I'm such a perv sometimes...

It's going to drive me to actually write a fic about them. I haven't even finished my GW fic OR my YuGiOh fic (KaibaxJou...Mmmm) and yet I'm planning this one. Plot bunnies are evil, I need to buy a gun v_v

Who are you REALLY? (what you are deep inside yourself)
Full Name
Age
You are	Female
Your age is	25
Your hair is	long purple hair
Your spirt is	happy

This QuickKwiz by Midnight_Sunrise - Taken 2701 Times. </a>